Are We Getting Ruder? Before You Answer, Look Around

I suppose it's the etiquette trainer in me, but when I'm out and about, I'm people watching. I notice how people interact with one another, what their posture and body language communicate, how much personal space they give, and how or if they acknowledge the people around them. I notice the server who greets every table with a smile, the shopper who returns someone else's cart, and the stranger who holds the door for one more person than he has to. Those moments might not stick out to everyone, but for me, I catch them every time. They remind me there's a lot more good in the world than we often give people credit for.

A recent Pew Research Center survey found that nearly half of Americans believe people have become ruder over the past few years. As an etiquette trainer, that doesn't surprise me. I hear those frustrations all the time. People blame it on technology, changing social norms, or the younger generation. But that part isn't new. Every generation seems to worry that the next one has forgotten its manners. We've been saying, "Kids these days," for as long as anyone can remember. While our manners may evolve, that perception doesn't seem to change.

So what do we do with that information? Do we spend our time keeping score of everyone else's manners to prove the survey right, or do we start paying a little more attention to our own actions? Here's one of the most powerful things I learned during my training with The Emily Post Institute. It's much easier to recognize rudeness in others than in ourselves. Before we assume courtesy is disappearing, let's ask ourselves, "What can I do to make others feel seen, respected, and valued?"

Not sure where to start? Here are a few simple ways to put consideration into practice.

Look Up Before You Speak

A server once told me the most discouraging part of his job isn't dealing with difficult customers. It's when he walks up to a table, smiles, and asks, "How's your day going?" only to hear, "Diet Coke."

It's probably not intentional. Most people are already thinking about what they're going to order or paying attention to someone else at the table.

The next time someone greets you, pause for just a second. Look up. Make eye contact. Answer their question before asking one of your own. It takes only a moment, but it completely changes the interaction.

Put Your Phone Away When You're With Others

Don't make people battle for your attention.

If you're multitasking because you're short on time and have a lot to do, it usually has the opposite effect. Conversations take longer because people have to repeat themselves, wait for you to finish what you're doing, or wonder if you're really listening.

Putting your phone away shows someone that they have your attention.

Say Hello

You really can't go wrong with a simple hello. Whether you're walking into work, passing someone on the golf course, or crossing paths with a neighbor, a "hello" or "good morning" will put a smile on someone else's face and, hopefully, yours.

It may seem like a small thing, but when a greeting is expected and doesn't happen, people often wonder why. Are they upset with me? Did I do something wrong? A simple hello removes that uncertainty and helps people feel comfortable.

Offer Encouragement

A genuine, spontaneous compliment does two things. It makes someone else's day and yours.

I bought a new sweater, and the first day I wore it, three different people complimented it. I still think about those comments every time I wear that sweater.

That's the return on investment of a sincere compliment. It costs you nothing, but it can stay with someone far longer than you realize.

Be Patient with Someone Who Is Learning

This one recently put me to the test when someone new was drawing my blood. After one attempt, she decided to bring in a more experienced coworker. I'll be honest, I was pretty happy to see the A-team walk in.

At the same time, I tried to remember what it feels like to be the new person. None of us wants our first day, or even our hundredth day, made harder because someone ran out of patience. I did my best to stay pleasant because I had a feeling she was already being hard enough on herself.

Notice When Someone Needs Help

After a recent storm, our community did what Midwest communities do best. Trees were down, fences were damaged, and trampolines ended up in entirely different yards.

Neighbors checked on one another, cleared limbs, and posted photos of found belongings until they made their way back home.

It reminded me that we're actually very good at noticing people who need help during the big moments. The challenge is noticing them during the ordinary ones.

Maybe it's helping someone who's trying to reach something on the top shelf, handing someone a pen when you notice them checking their pockets, or holding the door for someone whose hands are full.

Assume Good Intentions

I recently received an invitation to a retirement party from a former employer. Things hadn't ended on the best of terms, so I had a choice. I could wonder if the invitation had been sent by mistake or even text someone and ask, "Will so-and-so be there?" Or I could accept the invitation for the gesture it was. I put on a new outfit for a little extra confidence and went all in.

It turned out to be a wonderful time. I laughed, caught up with old friends, and left feeling like I'd closed that chapter in a much better place than where it had ended.

Maybe the question isn't whether people are getting ruder. Maybe it's whether we're paying enough attention to the opportunities we have every day to make someone else's day a little better.

How often do we create stories before we have all the facts? Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is simply assume good intentions until we have a reason not to.

If this article encourages you to try one or two of these habits, I'd call that a success.

If you're ready to put these ideas into practice, download my free 30-Day Kindness Challenge from the homepage of my website. It's filled with simple, practical ways to be more intentional each day and a fun way to make consideration a habit.