Are You Approachable?

I am still buzzing from a week with the Emily Post Institute for our in-person Business Etiquette Train the Trainer program. I work for the Institute, and one of my favorite parts of my job is supporting our community of Emily Post trainers. I help them get to know one another, answer questions, share resources and support them as new business etiquette trainers.

The week included workshops, lunches, dinners and cocktail parties. I was meeting some people in person for the first time after months of phone calls and emails. We'd spend the day working together and then head to a reception where it was time to switch from colleagues in a workshop to people getting to know one another over appetizers and drinks.

First off, this is my DREAM assignment. It was also a perfect example of something I talk about all the time in my etiquette classes. Before we introduce ourselves, shake hands or ask the first question, our body language has already told the people around us quite a bit.

Think about the people who seem easy to approach in a room. They're usually looking up, making eye contact with the people around them, and have a pleasant look on their face. I'm not talking about a full-on whackado smile, but an expression that's pretty close to a natural smile.

Then think about what we tend to do when we feel like we are back in junior high, wondering if someone is going to like us. We pull out our phones, immediately find the one person we already know and stay with them, or find a table to stand behind.

Stop telling yourself you're not outgoing

"I'm just not outgoing."

If you regularly say this about yourself, I'd like you to stop. The more you tell yourself you're not good at meeting people, the more likely you are to act accordingly. Being approachable isn't reserved for extroverts.

Start with how you enter the room. Keep your eyes forward and smile. If you see someone you know, give them a wave. You aren't trying to make a grand entrance, but you're also not counting floor tiles. Do your best to show others that you're happy to be there and open to meeting them.

Make it easy for someone to approach you

When you're in a situation where you're likely to meet people, keep at least one hand available so you can shake hands when someone approaches. If you're holding a plate in one hand and a drink in the other, you don't have a hand available to greet someone. So either learn the trick of holding a drink and plate in one hand, or just do one or the other.

Pay attention to the rest of your body too. Keep your torso open, shoulders back and hands comfortably at your side. When you're standing with other people, angle yourself so there's room for someone else to join the conversation.

When we're nervous, our instinct is often to make ourselves smaller. We tuck ourselves away, look down and try not to draw attention. Try taking up a little more space than feels natural. That doesn't mean puffing out your chest or flailing your arms. Just resist the urge to physically shrink when you're feeling unsure.

And of course we have to talk about eye contact. One tip I teach is to make eye contact long enough to notice someone's eye color before looking away. Looking at someone while they are talking to you isn't just polite. It keeps you in the moment, stimulates your brain, and helps you gather information.

Learn to read the room

Being approachable also means paying attention to the body language of the people around you.

If two people are facing each other and deep in conversation, that's probably not the conversation to join.

Someone standing alone, looking around the room and making eye contact is probably open to a hello.

Friendly doesn't mean overly familiar

Being approachable doesn't require much physical contact. Which is welcome news if you like your personal space like I do.

A simple handshake is plenty when you're meeting someone. Skip the double-handed version, the halfway hug and anything else that assumes more familiarity than you actually have.

How did you make them feel?

Think back to your last interaction with someone and imagine how that person felt afterward. Did they feel comfortable with you? Did they feel like you were glad to see them?

Did your body language match your message?

If there's anything about that feeling you'd like to change in the future, start there.