Hard Times Happen. Here's What to Say and Do.

A friend is getting divorced, someone you know loses their job, a neighbor's husband dies, or someone you care about receives a difficult diagnosis. Your first instinct is probably to reach out, but then comes the hesitation. What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't want to talk about it? What if I bring it up just when they were finally thinking about something else?

That fear of saying or doing the wrong thing is one of the biggest reasons we don't reach out when someone is going through a difficult time. We may even convince ourselves that we're being considerate by giving them space.

Here's what I want you to remember. They haven't forgotten what's happening. The loss, disappointment, worry or uncertainty is already in the room.

The only real mistake you can make is giving in to your insecurity because you don't know what to say. Nearly everything you do beyond that, when done thoughtfully, is going to be appreciated.

You don't need to know exactly what to say

If someone shares difficult news with you directly, appreciate that they trusted you enough to tell you. “Thank you for sharing that with me” acknowledges what they've said without requiring you to come up with some profound response. You can recognize the reality of the situation too. “This is a really tough situation. How are you managing?”

Then listen to the answer.

This is where we can get ourselves into trouble because we want so badly to make the other person feel better. We say things like, “It will get better,” “Everything will be okay,” “You'll be better off,” or “I know what you're going through.”

It's not that you have bad intentions, but we don't actually know what is going to happen or exactly how someone else feels. With an illness, telling someone that everything will be fine could even put them in the uncomfortable position of knowing that it won't be and having to decide whether to share information they weren't planning to discuss.

You don't have to put a positive spin on a difficult situation. Sometimes acknowledging that something is hard is far more comforting than trying to convince someone it isn't.

Be interested in the person, not the details

If a friend tells you she's getting divorced, “How are you doing?” is a much better place to start than “What happened?”

There is a difference between caring about how someone is doing and being curious about what happened. Let the other person decide how much of the story they want to share. They may want to talk about every detail, or they may want to talk about anything but the divorce.

The same is true with illness, job loss, family problems and other difficult circumstances. Follow their lead. Don't push for details, offer opinions they didn't ask for or immediately tell your own story about the time something similar happened to you.

Advice can be helpful too, but my rule is simple. Give it when they ask for it and not before.

Make your offer of help something they can actually use

“Let me know if you need anything” is one of those phrases most of us have used countless times, and we usually mean it sincerely. The trouble is that it leaves all the work to the person who may already be overwhelmed. They have to decide what they need, figure out whether it's something they can ask of you and then actually ask. A specific offer is much easier to accept.

“I'd like to bring you dinner. Is Friday okay?”

“Can I take care of your dog while you're out of town helping clean out your mother's house?”

“I'm going to the store. What can I bring you?”

Reach out without expecting anything back

Another reason we hesitate is that we don't want to bother someone. We assume they're receiving plenty of calls and messages already, or we worry we're adding one more thing they have to deal with.

You can solve much of that by reaching out without expecting a response. Send the message and let them know there's no need to reply. Mail a card they can open whenever they're ready. Check in again a few weeks later without mentioning that they never answered the first time.

And when you see them, don't ask whether they received your text, listened to your voicemail or got your card.

Speaking of cards...

When you're particularly concerned about intruding, send a card. They can read it at their convenience, it doesn't demand an immediate response and, as long as you've put some thought into it, a card rarely lands wrong.

You don't have to write anything elaborate. “Dear Eve, you are in our thoughts at this difficult time” is a perfectly good beginning. From there, acknowledge what has happened.

If someone has died, use their name, even if you didn't know them. “I was so sorry to hear about Mark. I never had the chance to meet him, but from the stories you’ve shared, I know what an important part of your life he was.”

I would also resist the temptation to use humor in a card or message about a difficult situation. Moments of levity may arise naturally, and that's wonderful when they do, but there's no need to manufacture them. Humor can be particularly risky in writing, where tone is so easily misunderstood.

When someone dies, there are a few extra ways to show up

Death deserves some additional consideration because there are opportunities to support someone both immediately and long after everyone else has returned to their routines.

Acknowledge the death as soon as you hear about it. Whether you call or text isn't something I'm going to decide for you. You know the person and your relationship best. What matters is that you don't let uncertainty about the method keep you from reaching out at all.

Then do something tangible if you can. Send or bring a card, offer specific help and attend the visitation or funeral when it makes sense.

If you're debating whether you should attend, I have a pretty simple rule. If it crosses your mind to go, go. If you can't attend the funeral, it's perfectly fine to attend only the visitation.

Depending on your relationship with the grieving person, you may want to attend both.

The weeks and months afterward matter too. Check the obituary for dates that may be especially difficult in the future, such as the person's birthday or an anniversary, and put a reminder on your calendar. When the date comes around, reach out. “I know today may be a hard day. I'm thinking of you” is enough.

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NEED HELP FINDING THE WORDS?

I put together a free guide with sample condolence card messages for those times when

you're not quite sure what to write.

Download the free guide on The Polite Company homepage.

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There isn't a script that will work for every person and every difficult situation

A friend going through a divorce may want to talk for two hours, while someone else may not want to discuss theirs at all. One person may welcome a visit, and another would much rather receive a card. That's why paying attention to the person in front of you matters more than memorizing a list of etiquette rules.

You may occasionally say something imperfect. You might offer help they don't need. You may send a message that goes unanswered. Do it anyway.

Action cures anxiety, and in this case, taking action is one of the simplest ways to let another person know you care.